Becoming The One

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How to Hit the “Refresh Button” on Your Relationship

Do you believe that God has good plans for you and your relationship? Do you REALLY believe that, or deep down do you suspect you’ll fall through the cracks?

Leon and I mentor singles and couples who desire to “become the one” for their partner. Yes, there might be several people a person could marry, but God knows what He’s doing, and He loves the unique and beautiful plans He’s made for each of us. In 2020 that’s a great thing to remember—that God’s plans are for our good.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jer. 29:11 NIV)

When you know that God has good things in store for you, it will change your outlook on dating and marriage, because you’ll start to realize you’re not alone. No matter what, your story will be one of grace and mercy (Heb. 4:16). 

Journaling question: Sit down with God and ask Him to tell you more about how His grace and mercy apply to your relationship. Write down what you sense He says, and revisit His words several times this week.

How to Hit the Refresh Button 

Some of us need to remember why we married this person or started dating them in the first place.

As we deal with life and its many distractions, our hearts can start to forget the wonderful things God told us about this person in the beginning.

The Bible talks about the importance of returning to your first love. This is vital in our walk with Jesus, and it’s also a huge point in our relationship with one another—perhaps especially in 2020 when homes are filled with additional stress and many of us are facing unexpected situations. We get to return—to see this person with fresh eyes, to do what we did in the beginning, to delight in them all over again. 

Here are a few simple ways we can turn our hearts back to delight and remind ourselves of the good plans the Lord has for us.

1. Use your significant other as a reason to worship.

Pick one thing you’re thankful for about your spouse, and use that thing as a way to worship the Lord. “God, thank You for bringing this person into my life. I love the way they do this: _________________. When they do this, I can see You moving inside them. They reflect You in this area.” Do this small exercise every day.

2. Figure out what makes the other person feel special, and do those things.

John Piper says, “Love is what exists between people when they find their joy in each other’s joy.”

If you feel like you’ve fallen into a rut with your significant other, or you just want to try something new, I encourage you to really look at your partner, pick one thing that makes them feel loved, and write that thing on your calendar. Maybe it’s hiking. Maybe it’s just spending time together talking on the couch. Maybe it’s going on an adventure of some kind or playing paintball or going fishing together.

Like Piper says, find your joy in their joy. When Scripture says, “Put other people ahead of yourself,” this isn’t a religious thing you “need” to do. It’s a practice that will change your life and actually make you happy. 

3. Encourage your significant other to try new things with you.

What is something you and your partner could do together that you haven’t done before?

Armed with a sense of humor, sit down with your partner, brainstorm ideas, and make plans. You could start off with something small, like visiting the new coffee shop on the other side of town and ordering drinks you never order. Or maybe it’s something that gets you outdoors, like hiking a trail at the state park.

Go horseback riding. Take swing dance lessons. Take a class together. The point is to do something new. Be adventurous in your planning.

4. Purposefully focus on the good in the other person, not the bad.

My relationship with Leon soars when I purposefully choose to stare at his strong points and not his weaknesses. The same goes for him. 

No one is perfect. No matter who we are or how well we know Jesus, all of us make mistakes at times. We deal with fears and anxieties, and we can be petty and self-focused. If we give all our attention to the other person’s faults, those faults will “grow” to take over our view of that person. But if we focus on the good things within that person, our loving feelings will grow toward them.

That’s essentially what we do in our relationship with God—we renew our minds to His truth. We remember who He is and what He says, and we hold those things in front of our eyes until we start to truly believe them and view the world through them. King David put it this way: “I have set the Lord continually before me” (Ps. 16:8 NASB).

Journaling question: Practice keeping your eyes on the Lord today. Throughout the day, write down your thoughts about Him and what He tells you. Does He show you anything about your spouse/significant other?

The Good Future God Has for You!

My prayer is that everyone who reads this would come to know how much the Lord loves them. He is not far away, but He’s right here and He’s helping. His love heals our hearts and actually enables us to love our spouse the way He intended. 

If things are hard right now, if your heart feels tired, if your partner is driving you nuts—remember God’s truth. He is with you, and He loves you, and His plans for you are good ones.

Interested in reading more about dating, relationships, and your walk with God? Here are a few articles on related topics:

For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more. The book is also available in Spanish.