How to Tell If You’re Really in Love with Someone
Photo by Marius Muresan
How can you tell if you’re really in love with someone?
Many people wonder, “What does true love look like in a relationship? How do I know if I’m really in love with the person I’m dating, or if this is just infatuation?”
Those are great questions because God is the Master of creativity! He’s creative all the time. So falling in love is different for every person, which can make it hard to explain that special moment when you know you’re in love and it’s real.
If you’ve ever been infatuated with someone, you know how “real” those feelings can seem.
In the enchantment stage of a dating relationship, you sincerely think you’d do pretty much anything for the other person, and waiting to see them the next day feels like an extreme length of time.
Before I met Leon, there were a couple of times when I could have sworn I was in love with certain boys, just because I couldn’t stop thinking about them.
But the pleasurable feelings of infatuation are not a sign of being in love. Real love is more than a feeling—it’s an action word that grows over time. It’s a decision you make that matures and strengthens in beauty.
In addition to the infatuation issue, as believers in Christ, there is a beautiful love that most of us feel right away for someone, because the Holy Spirit lives inside us.
This is a real thing and can be confusing if we don’t know what’s going on. Our heart feels “soft” toward that person, but this sense of love and affection doesn’t necessarily mean we’re in love with them.
So with all these things in mind, how in the world can you KNOW you’re really, truly in love with someone?
Here are a few questions that can help you see your love more clearly and move forward with confidence.
Are you willing to put this person’s needs before your own?
Are you willing to follow the path of their wants or desires ahead of your own?
When I was first falling in love with Leon, I knew the love I felt for him was very real, sometimes unexplainable, because it changed from one day to the next. I just knew in my heart that I wanted the best for him and that I wanted to grow old next to him as I watched the best in him.
Are you willing to forgive and accept certain weaknesses and quirks within this other person?
When you can be honest and vulnerable in your friendship, when you know you are accepted and loved despite your flaws, and you accept and love your significant other despite their flaws, this can be a sign that God is leading you toward making your friendship with them permanent.
Marriage is a picture of how Jesus loves us, His bride. He loves us despite our imperfections, and when we have that kind of love for someone else, it’s a big deal.
However, we need to keep a few things in mind with this particular topic. Every person has weaknesses, and we should not expect to find a person without weaknesses. That kind of spouse doesn’t exist, and if you’re demanding perfection, you’ll likely be single for a long, long time.
But there’s a big difference between weaknesses (which are normal) and dysfunction (which is a red flag). Certain dysfunctions should be avoided entirely, while others need to be dealt with before the relationship moves forward.
If something in your relationship concerns you, speak to someone you trust who can offer you solid, godly counsel.
Are you willing to give up your fears for this person?
Many people struggle with fear as they get to know someone. Are you genuinely committed to this relationship, understanding it could lead to marriage? Are you learning to trust this person and to let go of your anxiety?
Saying “no” to fear is always worth the effort.
Are you willing to protect this person?
In this context, protection means having healthy boundaries and avoiding putting one another in situations where temptation abounds.
When you act in a self-controlled manner, you reveal true love for the other person because self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. True love isn’t selfish. It doesn’t take what it can get in the moment.
Practically speaking, check your heart and ask yourself if you are willing to give up everything to see this person you love grow, increase, and fulfill their dreams. Everything includes having a sex life outside of marriage. Are you willing to wait and to protect the “virginity” of their heart?
Love in action transcends everything else.
As humans, our love often fails—which is why we need to be filled with God’s love and then act upon that love.
True romantic love comes from peace, an inner assurance, that you are following God’s leading. Learning how to love well—with divine love, beyond human strength—is a process, but that’s the kind of love you want to have. Obviously, you won’t be able to love your significant other perfectly all the time, without any shortcomings or mistakes, but at its core, the heartbeat of real love looks like Christ.
When you live in the assurance of God’s love and you listen to Him, over time you’ll know when you are selflessly in love with someone. And you won’t “fall out” of love with them, because this is a love that keeps growing.
Your heavenly Father loves you more than you realize! Check out these other articles on dating, marriage, and relationship with God:
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more. The book is also available in Spanish.