5 Ways to Grow in Your Identity and Marry Well
A lot of people marry too young or too quickly, and they end up parting ways because they don’t know who they really are.
To make a good decision about a marriage partner, both parties involved need to know their true identity.
The way God worked with Leon and me, each of us had the privilege—the blessing—of understanding early in our lives who we are in the Lord Jesus. We encountered the freeing beauty of how God sees us.
We know who we are because Jesus tells us daily, and we choose to believe Him. Sometimes we forget a few things about our true identity, but the Holy Spirit reminds us and helps us encourage one another in this wonderful journey of becoming.
Do you know who you are? Do you know the truth of how Jesus made you?
Everywhere we go, Leon and I get to discuss with singles and couples the struggle of not understanding who they are and what they were made for—the purpose of their lives. Some have surrendered to the wonderful love of their heavenly Father, and through this love they’ve come to understand who they are.
Others, however, are still deeply struggling because they don’t know God’s love yet. The world is filled with people who don’t know who they really are, and this lack of identity causes them to make relationship decisions that do not help them in the long run.
But you, beloved child of God, are called according to His purpose, and you have the opportunity to know His love and discover who you truly are.
If you want to learn more about your identity so you’re better prepared for marriage, prayerfully consider the following steps. Take these things to the Holy Spirit, and ask Him to speak to you.
1. What is God saying about you? His words are the only description you need to believe.
One way I let the Holy Spirit lead me each day is by believing who He says I am. I have set my heart to believe what God says about me. I remind myself of His destiny for my life, my calling as His child, and how He sees me.
It’s amazing how the truth sets us free while lies keep us trapped. We see this in relationships all the time. Many people have trouble committing because of the false stories they tell themselves.
Many of us grew up feeling inadequate, not good enough, flawed, disgraceful, or worthy of shame, and we have no idea what God is saying about us.
If you are hoping to get married soon, get in the habit of seeing yourself the way God does.
What is He saying about you?
What has He told you about your calling?
How does He see you?
2. If someone’s opinion of you doesn’t line up with God’s Word, you can let that opinion go.
The world and the people around us try to define us all the time. “This is who you are. This is the box you go in.”
Some of these people have good intentions and some do not, but regardless, the only words we need to abide by are those that come from Jesus and the Bible. We can let go of everything else.
Don’t let what people say about you define how you see yourself. Abandon any image that is not from God, and stop accepting the false assumptions and judgments of others. Let God’s opinion be the one that defines you.
3. Develop a close, beautiful relationship with the Holy Spirit who can tell you God’s truth.
I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. (John 16:12–13 NIV)
If any of you needs wisdom, you should ask God for it. God is generous. He enjoys giving to all people, so God will give you wisdom. (Jas. 1:5 ICB)
Jesus referred to the Holy Spirit as the Spirit of truth. Truth is actually part of His name. When we feel uncertain—about ourselves, about Him, about our dating lives, or anything else—we can go to Him and get the truth. The Holy Spirit can tell us the deep things of God (1 Cor. 2:10).
To cultivate a deeper relationship with the Holy Spirit, ask Him to show you who He is. Spend time with Him in a quiet place. Read the Word of God, and practice listening to His voice. Write down anything He shows you about who you are.
4. Rely on God’s Word in this adventure of discovering the real you.
To know your identity, you need to know who made you—the One who loves you more than anyone else. Here is a brief description of who you really are:
You are God’s child.
He loves you with everlasting love.
He accepts you the way you are.
He considers you the most wonderful treasure He has.
You are His masterpiece.
When you understand these things, you start to understand the truth of your identity. This is the beginning of staying true to yourself as a believer in Christ.
5. Expect great things from God, because His plans for you are good.
Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite Scriptures. No matter what happens, I know I can rest in the fact that God’s plans for me are good. They are not meant to harm me, but He designed them to bring me hope and a future.
The same is true for you:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)
You are God’s beloved, precious child. He is the best of all fathers and the best of all friends, and He loves to give good gifts.
To “find yourself,” get to know the Father’s love.
One key part of becoming healthy and strong in your identity is accepting God’s love freely. This allows you to love Him back, to love yourself well, and to love others with the love of Christ.
Through His love, you become the person He made you to be. You become more yourself, which means you are in a much better position to meet the right person and recognize them at the right time.
Do you want to know more about your identity?
In August we will be doing a couple of workshops focused on learning how to write your true identity statement. This has been transformational in my marriage, as well as in my relationships with everyone I know. We will keep you posted about the details!
I pray that the love of Jesus, His sacrifice on the cross, and the power of His resurrection will show you how loved and how worthy you are. Because you are worthy. You are loved—more than you can ever imagine.
I talk about God’s love and issues of identity in my book, Becoming the One. To learn more about who you are, read chapter 8 and answer the questions included in the appendix. You will be amazed at how God uses these things to bring you closer to Him.
Your heavenly Father loves you more than you realize! Other articles from Salomé Roat and Becoming the One:
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more. The book is also available in Spanish.