Have you ever felt “out of love” with your spouse or the person you were dating? What happened? And what did you do about it?

When I was seventeen, I thought I was in love with a boy I met through friends. He was handsome and charming, and he did everything he could to get to know me better.

I was, of course, completely flattered by his attentions, but fortunately for everyone involved, a relationship between us didn’t work out. For one, he didn’t know Jesus and, for two, I was a little nervous about the whole charming thing—it was nice and he knew it. So did several other girls at our school.

Looking back, I can easily see I wasn’t truly in love with that boy, and I recognize I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. At seventeen, most young people don’t understand the commitment it takes to get to know someone, fall in love for real, get married, and have a relationship that lasts. Something that endures.

Being truly committed to your partner is important because every relationship—even the healthiest, best relationship we can think of—goes through emotional ups and downs.

In his article titled “The Myth of Falling in Love,” Danny Silk writes:

At times, we all struggle with feeling affection for our spouse. Thankfully, love is a choice that does not depend on our feelings. Even in moments when we are feeling hurt, angry, or frustrated, we can still keep our love on by making the powerful choice to move toward our spouse, show respect and kindness, and seek resolution and reconnection.

If you’re married or hoping to be married one day, here are three relationship tips that can help you stir up your love for your partner during the “down times.”

1. Do What You Did at First

Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. (Rev. 2:5)

It is surprisingly easy to fall into the hole of performance, where love is a secondary issue and not our main energy source. If this can happen in our relationship with Jesus, it can happen in a dating or marriage relationship, too.

If you love your partner but your heart feels distant toward them, follow what Jesus said in Revelation 2:5—go back and do what you did at first. 

Revisiting the beginning of a relationship has the power to reconnect what has become disconnected. If you’re at that place right now—where loving your partner feels stiff and sterile—sit down and consider the following questions:

1. Where did you and your partner go when you were first dating?

2. What did you talk about?

3. What was it about this person that initially drew you to them?

4. What is the most exciting adventure the two of you have gone on? What happened?

5. What are your top five favorite things about this person?

6. What has God told you about this person?

2. Uncover Your Heart to Your Partner

Doing what we did at first includes using words, phrases, and actions of love and delight that—perhaps—we haven’t used in a while.

Be intentional with your words and actions. Spend time with your partner, and to the best of your ability, put your heart on display for that person. Why do you love them? Answering this question can clear the air and help you remember why this person was your choice.

We experience a childlike renewal when we return to the beginning of a relationship—a time when we weren’t quite as experienced as we are now, when we were a little younger, when all we knew was that we loved this person and they were incredible.

As Danny Silk says, “The goal is never to let ‘I love you’ become a secret in your relationship.”

3. Ask God to Show You How He Sees Your Partner

Here’s the truth: God adores you. You are unique and more important to His heart than you realize. He loves that you are different from everyone else. His love for you is greater than what can be explained with words, and it will never change and it will never stop.

That is how He feels about you—and it is also how He feels about your partner. So if you do not feel that way about your partner, ask Him to give you His heart for them. Then fully expect Him to answer your prayer.

Your heavenly Father wants to pour blessings upon you and your relationship. As you practice stirring up your love for your partner, remember that God has good plans for the two of you, and you aren’t working through the “dry spots” on your own.

For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more.

You can also order the book in Spanish. Click here.