A few weeks ago, we interviewed Chantel, a young newlywed. Prior to meeting her husband, she dated someone for fifteen months before realizing he had no inclination to marry her.

“It can be scary when you’re in a relationship and you want to get married,” she said, “and they’re clearly not on that track.”

How long is too long when it comes to a dating relationship? A year? Two years? Five?

Click here to read our interview with Chantel.

Here are three “warning signs” that your relationship might be taking too long. Pray about these things and seek advice from people you trust.

Maybe God has an adventure in mind for you that’s better than you expected.

1. Your relationship has stopped growing. You’re in the same place you were in six or ten months ago.

You were designed to grow. The Bible has a lot to say about the life of God and growth:

God is abundant life (John 10:10).
He made you to go from “glory to glory” (2 Cor. 3:18).
There is no end to the increase of His government (Isa. 9:7).

Growth is part of your nature in the Lord, because you are His child. If your relationship has stopped “increasing,” getting better, or growing, it might be a good idea to seek counsel from a more-experienced mentor who can help you see what’s going on.

2. You don’t have peace about dating this person.

For God is not a God of confusion, but of peace. (1 Cor. 14:33 NASB)

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. (Col. 3:15 NLT)

This can be a tricky one if you struggle with fear, because the emotion of fear can keep you from feeling God’s peace. That’s what happened with Leon and me for a season. I thought I didn’t feel anything for him, but the truth was, I was just really scared.

Take a moment to separate yourself from the emotions of fear, worry, anxiety, etc. Imagine yourself without those emotions. How would you feel if you didn’t feel them? In that place of fearlessness, ask yourself these questions:

1. “What has God told me about this person?”

2. “Do I have His peace in continuing to date them?”

If you don’t know what God is saying about your boyfriend/girlfriend, that could be why it’s taking so long—because your heart isn’t sure what God’s heart is saying and how He’s leading you. You don’t know what is right for your future, so you don’t feel confident.

3. Generally speaking, you just aren’t delighted with this person.

Is your friendship with your partner growing? Is it getting better and better with time as you discover new things about each other and delight in one another? Or have the two of you fallen into a routine that lacks spontaneity and adventure?

Delight in your partner can be cultivated. On a regular basis, all of us need to “adjust” the way we view our significant other, choosing to see their strengths instead of their weaknesses. That is an important part of any long-term relationship. We’re human; we have shortcomings and struggles and wounds, and if we focus on these things in the other person, we can start to build walls and push that person away. So we have to train ourselves in delight, choosing to see our significant other the way God sees them.

However, if we just don’t want to get to know this person better, if there is no delight, if our heart isn’t interested in them, that’s something we need to address. It could be a sign that God is showing us that something needs to change.

“Well, Great. What Should I Do Now?”

If your relationship is taking a long time and you’re wondering if maybe this person isn’t right for you after all, what can you do about it? What’s the next step?

The first thing you need to do is go spend time with God. In His presence, talk to Him about your fears and confusion, and find out what He’s saying to you. His voice brings peace, and He’s the God of peace (see 1 Cor. 14:33).

Second, go get advice from mentors you trust. Other people can often see into a relationship and bring clarity where you might feel confused and overwhelmed.

Seeking others’ counsel is wisdom. Last year we interviewed Matt about his relationship with Carla and how he struggled with fear. He had some great things to say about counseling:

Counseling is such an amazing tool for people. There’s a stigma inside and outside the church that says you don’t need counseling unless your life is falling apart. That’s completely irresponsible and wrong! In reality, you should get counseling so your life doesn’t fall apart.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Meet with someone in a safe environment and seek their counsel. “This is how I’m feeling, and I have questions. Here is what God has told me, and here is where I still feel confused. Do you have any advice?”

Click here to read our interview with Matt.

The Path of Life

Child of God, get ready. He has good things for you and good plans for you, and He is leading you along a path of life.

If you need prayer, please reach out to us. We would love to pray for you and your relationship! Click the button below.

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Interested in reading more about dating, relationships, and your walk with God? Here are a few articles on related topics:

For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more. The book is also available in Spanish.

3 Ways to Tell If Your Dating Relationship Is Taking Too Long