Dealing with Fear in Your Dating Relationship: An Interview with Matt
Photo by Akemy Mory
In the following interview, Matt (37) talks about meeting his wife, Carla, and how he found himself dealing with fear during the dating process. He has some great wisdom to share with those who are also struggling with fear in their relationships.
BTO: How did you and Carla meet?
Matt: Technically, we met on Facebook. We had similar friend circles, and we ended up becoming friends through seeing each other’s posts and all of that. We struck up a friendship mostly because I was teasing her about certain things, and apparently it worked out pretty well because here we are.
BTO: You dealt with some fear in your relationship as it progressed. Can you explain what happened and what you learned in this process?
Matt: There was a little bit of a fear of commitment on my end. It wasn’t so much that I had doubts about Carla, but I think it was more that I had concerns about making a mistake. I was very fond of her, and I loved being around her. I had this feeling that if we started dating, we would get married. I think she had the same idea because we were both mid-to-late twenties, and it didn’t feel like the time to step into a casual relationship. We both wanted the relationship to go somewhere. Approaching it from that perspective added a little weight.
It’s important to take your concerns to other people, because then they can hear what’s going on and say, “Do you realize how fearful you’re being right now? Because that all sounds like fear to me.” That’s what my friend said after I explained everything that was going on. “Oh yeah. You’re totally dealing with fear. Do you want to make a decision because of fear?”
And I said, “No. Actually, that’s a very good point.”
Making a decision because of fear is a terrible idea. “I’m afraid to make a commitment because I’m afraid of making a mistake.” That sounds like fear, not wisdom.
Or conversely, if someone was making a mistake because they were afraid of always being alone, that’s another terrible reason to make a decision—because it’s based in fear instead of faith. Have you gone to the Lord about it? What is the Lord saying about these things?
BTO: What would you tell people who are struggling with fear in their dating relationships? What advice would you give them?
Matt: Never make decisions based off of fear! The Bible says very clearly there is no fear in love, and it also says God is love, so if we put those two statements together, we can make this assumption: If there is no fear in love and God is love, if I am making a decision in fear, I am making a decision apart from God.
If this is NOT a decision you should make, the answer won’t come in as fear. It will come in as wisdom. It’s important for us to be able to differentiate between fear trying to masquerade itself as wisdom and just actual wisdom from the Lord.
If the fears are based off of red-flag concerns, those red flags need to be addressed before marriage. People sometimes go into relationships saying, “Oh, this will change when we get married.” It actually gets worse when you get married! So a red flag is something that has to be dealt with before you make the decision to get married. Don’t expect these problems to go away on their own. “Oh, this will be different when we’re living together or having sex or whatever.” Those things don’t get better. Change doesn’t happen except on purpose. If you have fear because of a red flag, get help and talk about the red flag instead of blindly charging forward.
BTO: In your opinion, what’s the most important thing singles need to know as they wait for the right person?
Matt: As you wait for the right person, I would say the most important thing is to work on yourself. Be the best person you can be, so when the right person comes along, they see you and want to be with you. The healthier you are before the relationship, the easier the relationship will be. I brought a lot of stress and anxiety into my relationship with Carla, and my stuff became her stuff. She brought stuff in with her as well because neither of us was perfect. Neither of us was healed up at that point.
But you bring your insecurities into your relationship with you, and then they become your “group” insecurities. Your baggage becomes their baggage. So the more you can work on yourself and your insecurities before you get into a relationship, the better off you’ll be.
Counseling is such an amazing tool for people. There’s a stigma inside and outside the church that says you don’t need counseling unless your life is falling apart. That’s completely irresponsible and wrong! In reality, you should get counseling so your life doesn’t fall apart.
If we take our physical health into consideration only when there’s something wrong, we are likely going to have a whole lot of health problems. But when we decide we’re going to start taking care of our physical health by exercising, eating correctly, making sure we’re sleeping, and doing all these other things, we’ll end up with a physically healthier life, with fewer health problems—because we acted preemptively. That’s the same thing we should do with our emotional health. To do all things preemptively.
Interested in reading more about dating, relationships, and your walk with God? Here are a few articles on related topics:
When Mr. Wary Falls for Miss Sassy: An Interview with Brooke
Diffusing Fear in Your Relationship When the World’s Gone Crazy
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more. The book is also available in Spanish.