How to Keep Your Head When You’re Losing Your Heart
Photo by Karsten Winegeart
A new relationship is always exciting. Getting to know someone and realizing deep in your heart that you are special to them can feel so good that logic often gets pushed aside.
In this romantic bubble, two people can begin living almost exclusively from a place of feeling, where they idealize one another, think about one another constantly, and feel cut off and rather listless when they aren’t with the other person.
I call this the enchantment stage, and as amazing as it can feel, a couple needs to approach it with care. Why? Because if it is the only factor in a new relationship, it will not allow the relationship to deepen and grow the way God intends. To experience real growth, you’ll need to find a way to focus on more than just the romance.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m a hopeless romantic myself—but I also know that mature, deep, and lasting love with my wonderful husband, Leon, means more than just my emotions toward him.
If a couple focuses too much on the enchantment stage, pure emotion can blind them and keep them from seeing what they need to see about one another.
When they transition out of the enchantment stage (which will happen eventually), they will likely feel disappointed and disillusioned.
“This person isn’t who I thought they were. Yeah, we have a lot of things in common, but I thought we were a perfect match for each other, without any bumps or rough places, and that isn’t the case.”
Some couples crash so hard in the adjustment stage (stage two) that they start to think they’re “falling out of love.”
Are they actually falling out of love? No. They’re just realizing that life is real. They’re seeing one another’s flaws for the first time. The weak places. The places where they’re dealing with fear, old wounds, self-doubt, insecurity, rejection, etc.
A huge part of mature love—real love, lasting love—is coming to understand who your partner really is and honoring who they are.
Mature love can look into the core of another person and choose to love them with passion, courage, stability, and hope. Only when you can see the deepest parts of your partner and accept them unconditionally can you be fully intimate with that person.
If you’re getting to know a potential partner right now, be excited. Rejoice in what God is doing and how He’s answering your prayers!
But keep in mind that the relationship needs more than just good feelings. Here are three simple steps that will help you hold on to wisdom even when your heart is racing:
1. Relax and be okay with time.
Guard your heart, and keep yourself from slipping into enchantment immediately. Becoming infatuated with a person is a side effect of emotions and not necessarily an indication that you’ve found your perfect match (the person God has for you).
2. Evaluate your readiness.
Are you healthy and ready for marriage? Do you know what God’s voice sounds like? Are you growing in your relationship with Him, and are you allowing Him to heal the areas where you were wounded in the past? Do you know what His love is like, and are you actively “learning” His love for you?
3. Get God’s blessing on the relationship.
Pray about your relationship, and ask others you trust to pray about it with you. What is God saying? How is He leading your heart? Do you have peace about taking the next step with this person? You might feel nervous or even anxious, but when you know God is with you in the relationship, and others can confirm it, you will start to feel more at peace. Allow Him to speak to you before you make any big decisions with this person.
The goal in every marriage is true intimacy, and this kind of intimacy isn’t found in the enchantment stage. It is found after the enchantment stage—in vulnerability and time and hope and prayer and patience. If both of you are willing to grow and learn, your love will mature. You will lose your doubts and find delight.
Your heavenly Father loves you more than you realize. Other articles from Salomé Roat and Becoming the One:
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more. The book is also available in Spanish.