Dating over 60: An Interview with Maryann
Photo by Danielle MacInnes
In the following interview, Maryann (63) talks about the beautiful things she’s learned about God and dating. She’s happily courting Jim right now, and she’s having a great time because both of them have done a lot of “house cleaning” along the way. They’re working with God to build a relationship that’s healthy, strong, and capable of influencing the next generation.
BTO: How has your relationship with God played a role in your current relationship?
Maryann: I was really encouraged by How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Henry Cloud. It sounds like a cheesy title, but I really respect Dr. Cloud. He writes candidly, “If you are waiting for God to bring your life mate to your door, you’d better like the UPS driver!” Dr. Cloud had several suggestions on getting into the dating world. In his book he endorsed online dating, so I took the leap. I met Jim on EHarmony. We are enjoying getting to know each other in all sorts of situations and settings.
Prior to the man I’m seeing now, I dated a fine fellow I met on Christian Mingle. As I developed a relationship with that man, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper two things to me: “You’re getting closer” and “Good, better, best.” As time unfolded, I realized the relationship with the Christian Mingle guy could be good but was not my best—nor was I his best. I wanted God’s ultimate best for me and His ultimate best for that man.
One night after praying for direction, I had a significant dream. I dreamed about two eggs on a plate that was delivered through the door mail slot. During the two years I dated that man, I learned that being “equally yoked” is a whole lot more than just two Christians marrying one another. I love God’s sense of humor to give me an egg dream with the yolks showing!
I absolutely have worked with God all along the way. God is the real Matchmaker. I’ve read a lot of books on the subject, especially the Bible, and prayed continuously.
BTO: Did God give you any promises about the future, and you’ve been waiting for these things to come to pass? What does waiting look like for you?
The Scripture I’ve hung on to is “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Ps. 37:4). We can’t make marriage our goal without being frustrated and disappointed if we don’t reach that goal. Goals are things we have power over and are attainable, while desires we hand to God.
While I’ve been waiting for the desire of my heart, I haven’t been inactive or passive. I’ve spent time becoming the healthiest, thriving woman I can be: physically, socially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially. I knew that becoming healthier and more whole would mean attracting someone of the same caliber. Definitely there have been powerful pangs of longing that I’ve been overwhelmed by, but I’ve looked at what I actually do have power over and have gotten to work on it.
I’ve been praying for years for a “kingdom marriage.” The norm today for dating and marriage includes two individuals with unfinished business from their pasts coming together and bringing their “baggage” to the altar and across the threshold. Many people have PTSD from relationship hurts that can visit or haunt current relationships if they aren’t dealt with. If two wounded people marry, after the honeymoon that couple with unfinished business begins to unpack their baggage, which triggers one then the other. They point the triggers at each other and war ensues.
So I’ve spent some time unpacking my “baggage” from childhood and prior relationships, and the fellow I’m seeing now has done the same. With triggers dismantled, we are coming together as a team of two (plus Jesus) and pointing the triggers outward against the schemes of the enemy. We share a passion to give hope to the next generation and set an example of what God intended a marriage to be. The bigger picture is representing the Bride and the Bridegroom, Jesus.
I’ve been intentional in cooperating with God in His best choice for my future husband while I enjoy God as my husband (Isa. 54:5). While I’ve been in the “waiting room,” I’ve been developing a tight, intimate relationship with the Lover of my soul, who will always be my number-one love.
BTO: Do you feel like waiting for the right person is worth it? Why or why not?
Maryann: The only thing worse than being single is being married and wishing you were single because you didn’t do the work to prepare or jumped the gun and didn’t wait for God’s ultimate best. No one wants to swim in the sea of regret. Relationship train wrecks put your life on hold where a healthy, satisfying marriage is concerned. Heed red lights, yellow lights, warning signals, stop signs! Lonely alone is far better than lonely in a marriage.
BTO: What would you tell singles about waiting and trust in God? Do you have any advice or encouragement?
Maryann: Dating vs. courtship. There’s a difference. It’s important to define your purpose for dating and ask the people you meet what their purpose for dating is. Some just want to enjoy companionship, recreation, and such, while others are marriage minded. It’s important to sort this out right away to eliminate miscommunication, disillusionment, and disappointment.
Waiting is not a passive process. God knows your heart and your heart’s desires. Unless the Lord builds the house the laborers labor in vain (Ps. 127:1). Let God build. Two people with firm foundations as individuals must lean on God. If two individuals without firm footing in their faith and a healthy emotional, social, mental, physical, and financial standing come together and lean on one another in an unhealthy way—things will eventually fall.
Do the hard work of cleaning up your background. Before dating, do some excavation work. Dig up the pain of the past and get help and healing. Once the excavation work is done, a foundation can be poured.
Friendship is a great foundation with Christ as the cornerstone. It’s okay to dream a little and try on the idea of having “this person” in your life forever, but guard your heart and take time to bond appropriately. It takes time to build a friendship.
Having a physical relationship before marriage is like building a house upside down. How does a bridegroom carry a bride across the threshold of an upside-down house? Personally I won’t be able to kiss on the lips (however, a peck on the cheek is sweet) until the altar. I’ve been married before so the pilot light has been lit, so to speak. Why start something we can’t finish? That might sound old fashioned. However, I have read (and experienced) unholy bonding through physical closeness outside of a marriage covenant. God’s Word is very clear on this. Each person must decide exactly where the boundary lines are that push them over into immorality.
If you want a healthy marriage, do the work while you’re waiting. Pray for the spouse God has for you. Pray that God is preparing that person for marriage if that’s your aim for dating. Lean into Jesus and develop intimacy with Him. Develop your healthy, whole person. When you go on dates or begin to court, be 100 percent authentic. The right person is going to love all of your quirks and individual personality traits. I want to marry my best friend, and developing a friendship takes time. It’s worth taking the time!!
Dating and getting acquainted should be fun and yet is often awkward at any age. Be patient with yourself and don’t give up. Discover more about yourself and your desires with each person you meet.
“Falling in love” is a phrase we’ve all heard, but to me it sounds like a slippery slope. I prefer to “grow in love” by taking things slow when I find someone worth developing a relationship with.
Keep praying. God created us for community, so find community. Learn to love life as a whole single person while you take your desires to the Lord.
Finally put your HOPE in God (Prov. 13:12). Deferred hope makes the heart sick, so trust God with your desires and longings.
Interested in reading more about dating, relationships, and your walk with God? Here are a few articles on related topics:
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more. The book is also available in Spanish.