Are You Afraid to Have Sex?
Before I had sex for the first time, I had so many questions. What was it going to be like? Was it really the way it seemed in books and movies? How did a person actually “do” it?
One day I went to my mom to ask about a few things, but the conversation didn’t go very well. My mother is fairly reserved about certain topics, perhaps this topic especially, and she was somewhat disturbed that I had asked her about sex at all. Sex wasn’t something we talked about in my home growing up. I think that’s pretty common with mothers and daughters in other cultures as well.
Many virgins are nervous about having sex because they don’t have all the facts. In his article “The Ultimate Guide for First Time Christian Sex,” Carlos A. Rodríguez writes:
We are sending our young people into the marriage bed as virgins (good) but also as morons (bad). And the amount of conversations I have had with young couples who have properly struggled with their sex life is staggering.
If you feel like you don’t know everything you need to know about sex, here are a few things you can do.
1. Get Informed
The first time, everyone has questions. If it seems like you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t worry—that’s typical.
I was nervous the first night of my honeymoon. I had been waiting and thinking of this moment for quite a while, and many of my questions hadn’t been answered because I didn’t have anyone I could talk to about these things.
If you want to know more about sex, do a little research. Read Christian books that combine the discussion of sex with God’s truth and His love for you. Ask questions of trusted mentors. Do you know someone who would be open to this kind of discussion? Spend time with them and see what they have to say.
Though men and women have similar questions about sex, each gender approaches the act of lovemaking a little differently. Women tend to focus more on the emotional connection of intercourse, while men typically focus on the physical aspect. However, when two people are healthy and love God and each other, they can focus just on loving one another and being tender and sensitive with each other.
As Carlos A. Rodríguez says, “The whole point is to enjoy each other. Actually, the best sex for me happens when I focus on making it the best sex for her.”
2. Ask Jesus Why You’re Afraid
All of us are in the process of being healed from emotional and/or physical trauma. Sex is one of the common areas where a person’s “issues” can crop up. If you find yourself dealing with significant fear in this area, here’s a simple remedy: Go to Jesus and ask Him why you’re struggling. Why is it that you’re afraid? What do you believe about yourself and about sex that maybe needs to change?
Several women have shared their sex questions with me before they married, and they let me know that they were nervous. Some even told me that because they had such good physical boundaries while dating, they were nervous about how they would respond the first time, when those physical boundaries were no longer appropriate.
My answer to these amazing women was that God takes care of it through the way He made us. When love and hormones kick in, you don’t have to worry about anything. You are there to adore your spouse and give yourself as a gift to that person. You get to enjoy the act of sex as your love for each other and your marriage vows are consummated in this wonderful way.
3. Give Your Sex Life to God
Many Christians build a wall with “relationship with God” on one side and “sex life” on the other. Often we mistakenly think that we shouldn’t ask God to be a part of this area of marriage. We get embarrassed just at the idea and assume He considers sex to be “off limits” when it comes to what He’s doing in our lives.
But that isn’t true. Before we had sex for the first time on our honeymoon, Leon and I stopped to pray for two reasons. First, we knew that prayer would bring us a blessing. As followers of Jesus, anytime we ask God to come and be with us, we receive a significant blessing.
And second, I was nervous and we knew that after we prayed, I wouldn’t be nervous anymore.
If young people were taught to invite God to their first sexual encounter, I believe it would greatly diminish the number of couples who have sex before marriage. God created sex as a gift to be enjoyed in a marriage covenant for the purpose of procreation and to celebrate a unique and special union with another person.
If you have sex-related questions, you can ask God anything you want to, and He will respond through His Word, through His soft voice in your thoughts, through His peace, and through mentors and people you trust. He wants to answer every question you have. That’s His heart for you.
Celebrate the fact that you have been waiting for something amazing—a gift ready to be unwrapped in God’s perfect timing.
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more.