3 Questions to Ask When Your Dating Relationship Feels “Dry”
Photo by Andrik Langfield
I know so many stories about couples who married one another with joy but then ended the marriage thinking their love had dried up.
One spouse tells the other, “I just don’t have feelings for you anymore,” and they decide it’s over—not realizing there’s another option. If they started the process of reconciliation and really understood what was happening inside them (personal struggles, past wounds, etc.), there is a strong possibility their love would come alive.
Feelings don’t just “go away.” If they do, it’s a sign that something else is going on. In dating relationships, we always need to remember that we have an enemy who wants to destroy us. One way he attacks is by trying to make us feel dissatisfied with the relationships God has brought us.
“Hey, there is no love anymore, so you should leave. There is no respect in your heart for this person anymore. You need to leave them and choose someone who will really care for you the way you deserve.”
As believers in Jesus, we need to stand against what the enemy wants to do with our relationships. With the different battles we face—including this battle to feel love for our partner—we get to walk in the victory Jesus already won for us.
Honeymoon Love vs. Mature Love
I was talking about this issue of dating and fluctuating emotions with my daughter Jessica the other day, and she had several insightful things to say.
“While love can initially attract through feelings and emotions,” she said, “as time goes by, love is less of just a feeling but a choice and a commitment. Naturally when something isn’t new to someone, they might not have as strong feelings about it.”
She used this analogy: “When you go to Disney Land once a year, you’re super excited to go. But if you go every week, you start to take it for granted.” It is still great, but it doesn’t feel the same way it did before.
Just as the “newness” can wear off with a location, it can also wear off when you’re living in the same house with someone, seeing them every day, helping them manage the household, and doing life with them.
In addition, our culture loves speed and instant gratification, which can affect the way we approach dating.
“I think with people,” Jessica said, “especially now with instant gratification and technology, they’re used to getting things fast. They’re used to things being really rewarding in small bits, and they really like novelty. So I think you have to be aware that your brain has a novelty bias.”
Your brain has a novelty bias! This draw toward “What’s new?” trips couples up all the time. When the honeymoon emotions fade, they can start to think the relationship is over. But that isn’t true; they’re just being invited to step into mature love, which endures over the long haul.
Jessica says, “You have to realize that at the beginning of the relationship, you might be so blind and in love and all these things, but I think true love is something more stable. It doesn’t fluctuate. It’s great to have butterflies and all those feelings, but I think love is action, commitment, and security. Those things happen long term.”
3 Questions to Ask When You’re Struggling Emotionally in Your Relationship
If you’re in a dating relationship and you can sense your feelings of delight and affection are fading for this person, here are three great questions to ask yourself:
1. What Does God Say About the “Lack of Feeling” You’re Experiencing?
I’m totally with Jessica in how important it is to go to Jesus first and ask Him what’s really happening in your relationship. Teach yourself to listen to His voice about your dating life and how He’s leading you.
My daughter also said, “If you’re married, you’ve made that decision. It’s a covenant and can’t be broken. If you’re a couple, I think you have to assess. Is that person the person God has for you? Are you compatible with them?” Do you have in them the qualities you’re looking for in a spouse?
If you can say “yes” to those things, that’s one thing. But if you’ve prayed about it, and you sense that maybe God is telling you this is not the right person for you, maybe it’s time to consider breaking up with them, she says.
Emotions come and go, but relationships based on Jesus can make it through the storm and emerge stronger on the other side. You’re a child of God—you don’t have to live according to the world’s standards and rules. Instead, you get to go to the Lord and tap into divine wisdom for your relationship.
2. Are Your Emotions Reflecting a Spiritual Battle?
This is a real issue that affects a lot of dating relationships. If you discern that God is saying “yes” about this person, but you’re having a hard time connecting with them emotionally, pray about it. Is the enemy trying to confuse you? Is there a place in your heart where you need to trust the Lord more?
Seek counsel from wise, understanding mentors who can help you see what is real about your relationship versus what the enemy may be doing.
3. What Do Other People See in Your Relationship?
Having wise mentors in your life is always a good idea, but when you’re confused about your relationship, that’s when you really need people around you. You can check in with them and say, “Hey, I’m feeling this way. What do you think? Are you seeing something I’m not seeing?” For me, coaching and mentoring are very important.
The Greatest Delight
God is doing something beautiful and amazing with relationships. You don’t have to settle for less than His absolute best for you, but at the same time, it’s good to understand that love is not what a lot of books and movies say it is. It is better and more enduring and matures with time.
Don’t give up on something just because it’s different than you expected. Instead, listen to God’s leading and do what He shows you. That is where you’ll find the greatest delight and happiness.