One Way Unresolved Pain Can Injure Your Dating Relationship
Photo by Sasha Freemind
When we hide our pain instead of dealing with it, we open the door for the pain to crop up later—in unexpected ways.
Unprocessed pain can even cause us to doubt the person we’re dating.
This person could very well be the man or woman God has for us—but we’re wrestling with doubt because we have a wound, and the wound is all we can feel.
“I don’t know if I actually love this person. I’m afraid to commit. I’m uncertain. Why can’t I make a decision? I’m pretty sure they’ll leave me eventually. They make me so angry sometimes! It would probably be safer if I just broke up with them.”
Unresolved pain can push us to “lose sight” of the person we’re dating.
Reacting Out of Fear
One of my more significant “fights” with Leon happened shortly after we were married. I said something that connected with a wound inside him. He responded in a way that connected with a wound inside me.
By the time we got back to our apartment, I was furious and desperate to gain control over what felt to me like a spiraling situation. (The desire to control is another common sign of unresolved pain.) I was so upset that I used the word divorce just so he would know I was serious.
He looked at me in surprise. How had a little moment of tension escalated to the point that his new bride was threatening him with divorce?
I was reacting out of my fears, which came from pain.
When we allow pain to live in our hearts—when we push it down, cover it up, try to pretend it isn’t there, or never actually seek the Lord for healing—in that area we can’t be who we really are.
People like to say, “Be true to yourself!” But this is impossible when we’re allowing pain to live unhindered inside us.
Who You Actually Are
God the Father created us for freedom. As His children, we are powerful men and women who are invited to walk in the fullness of who we are, according to our purpose:
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Gal. 5:1 NIV)
We don’t have to allow our pain to be a yoke of slavery in our lives. We have a gentle and tender Savior, who wants to take us by the hand and lead us out into the light of a new, fresh morning.
How to Find Healing for Pain
If you can sense you’re carrying unresolved pain and it’s affecting your relationship, here are two things you can do:
1. Ask God why you’re responding this way.
When we have a wound in need of healing, sometimes we find ourselves asking questions because we don’t understand what’s going on in our hearts:
Why am I getting frustrated?
Why am I so upset about things that aren’t actually important?
Why am I nagging my boyfriend/girlfriend?
Why am I not satisfied with this relationship?
Why am I so impatient and defensive all the time?
We can bring these questions and concerns to Jesus, and He will reveal the root of our emotions.
Similar to what David did, we can pray, “Search me, Lord. Search my heart and see where I’m anxious! Please reveal to me the painful spots inside me that You want to heal, and show me what to do with them.”
Jesus will let you know why you’re intolerant of certain things that happen in your relationship.
2. Ask Jesus to help you see the gold in the person you’re dating.
If you feel like you’ve lost sight of the person you’re dating, take the situation to Jesus. Ask Him to help you see that person the way He sees them—because He’s in love with them.
In a dating relationship, we get to become the arms and hands of Jesus for this other person. He uses us to help mold this precious child He’s entrusted to us for safekeeping. We get to comfort them when they need comfort, and we get to help them heal, just as they get to help us heal.
When dating is done well, in a good and healthy way, both parties involved become more like Jesus.
You Are Seen Through Perfect Eyes
Child of God, He knows your heart and what you’re struggling with, and He wants to pull you close to Him and tell you of His love—and all the HOPE He has for your future.
Let’s continue this journey of learning more and more about how to have a good relationship with Jesus, how to go deep with Him, how to ask Him the questions we need to ask, how to grow, and how to see ourselves the way He sees us—because He sees us in wonderful ways: through His perfect eyes of love.
Interested in reading more about dating, relationships, and your walk with God? Here are a few articles on related topics:
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more. The book is also available in Spanish.