A guest post by Elias Josue Calisto

There are archetypes of romance both men and women follow when it comes to dating. It is possible that these archetypes differ across cultures, but for hundreds of years, the archetype of a man in the West when it comes to dating has been one of a pursuer who goes off to fight the world and conquer it to prove himself worthy of a woman’s affection—and win her heart. This is modeled by men time and again all over the world whether consciously or unconsciously, and it is seen in movies, literature, and music. These models, though highly idealized and often exaggerated in these formats, are useful in reminding us that men and women play different roles in courtship. 

Can you imagine a woman whose ideal man was one who didn’t do anything to gain her affection and instead waited for her to approach and pursue him? What about a man who wished the woman was the one who went through the process of romancing him? For the most part, these situations are the opposite of what each gender looks for.

The typical statements uttered when women talk about one another’s romantic interests are something like, “Did he call you yet? Did he ask you out already? Do you think he’ll propose to you soon?”

The male complement to these statements sounds like, “You got her number—did you text her yet? When are you going to ask her out? Did you get the ring already? If so, when are you going to ask her to marry you?” 

These conversations show the expectations men and women have for each other and the dance that a courtship is, with the man starting or leading the dance and the woman responding and helping to guide him. It is important for men and women to acknowledge these expectations and let each other play their roles. 

Men like a challenge and the reward that comes from going through something difficult. Letting the man pursue the woman makes him value the woman even more once she accepts him, even if it is only for a date or two. It also shows the man that she values herself. Women who come easy, on the other hand, can sometimes be taken for granted by the men they end up with. Men don’t always like someone who is easy to get.

The most important part of letting the man pursue the woman is that the courtship process helps to prepare him for leadership in the relationship. It pushes the man, who is self-centered like any other person for the most part, and makes him think about what he can do for someone else instead. What does she like? What is she doing today? What can he do to surprise her? Much like a good leader who is making decisions not based solely on what he wants but on the interests of his team and their benefit, the man must shift his concentration from himself and his interests and focus on the woman’s instead. This helps him get into the mindset of a provider. 

These are just two points stressing the importance of men beginning a courtship, but they’re two very important points. Much like Jesus Christ loved His bride, the church, so much that He came for her and initiated the relationship, it is good to let men pursue women because this process prepares them for their role as men, not just in dating but in marriage. 

For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Salomé’s book, Becoming the One. Click here to learn more.