How to Deal with the Sex Thing


Do you see your sexuality as a tool to be used or as something to protect?

For a young woman I will call Ally, her sexual struggles started at age sixteen when she lost her virginity, and the encounter devastated her.

“The first time I had sex, I felt empty, lonely, and a desperate cloud of disappointment covered me,” she said. “I was ruined. I felt the most crushing pain in my heart after my first sexual encounter.”

Ally continued to participate in sexual relationships until she met Jesus and discovered the value of saving sex for her future husband. Her life began to change.

“Jesus came into my life and helped me to discover my identity in Him, His love, and forgiveness,” she told me. “That’s when I also got out of my darkness and became pure again. Through the cross of Jesus, I became a new creature, a pure and valuable woman.”

Shortly after she dedicated her life to the Lord, she met a wonderful man and they are now happily married.

Why did Ally choose to become sexually active as a teenager?

“No one ever told me that virginity was a treasure,” she said. “And that I was supposed to wait for the day of my wedding to give myself to a man.” No one ever explained to her that there was a better way.

Here are a few tips that can help you live in a world filled with sexual pressure:

1. Hang Out with People Who Want the Same Things You Do

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn says, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” If you want to live a certain kind of life, you need to hang out with people who will help you get there.

Are your friends dedicated to sexual purity and living in a way that honors God? Or do they encourage you to do what you are trying not to do? Find friends who will build you up and not tear you down in the area of sexual purity.

When you’re feeling confused about the many facets of dating and being in a relationship, share your feelings with someone who can pray and encourage you to make good decisions. It may be a good idea to seek out a mentor you trust or even a pastor at your church.

You may also want to join a group that promotes sexual purity, so you can surround yourself with people who will encourage and pray for you. If you can’t find a group like this, consider starting your own—and then letting us know, so we can pray for you and what you’re doing.

2. Treat the Person You’re Interested in with Wisdom
If you’re feeling sexually aroused, one way to lower the emotional intensity is to think about how much you honor the other person and care about their well-being. Treat the men or women around you with the same respect and honor Jesus would give them.

  • Consider what a worthy endeavor it is to save each other’s purity for marriage.
  • Meet up with someone you trust, and talk about what you’re dealing with. Seek God’s truth with this person.
  • Set good boundaries with the opposite sex.
  • Remember to look at the other person as your brother or sister in Christ.
  • Protect your purity and your loved one’s purity.
  • Ask God to help you.

As you’re dealing with your sexual drive, keep in mind that what you are feeling is normal and shouldn’t be shamed. Your sex drive is a God-given gift so you can enjoy the fullness of your future marriage covenant.

3. Don’t Hide from God If You Make a Mistake

After all this talk about purity…what do you do if you’ve made a mistake?

According to the Kaiser Foundation, 47 percent of high school students have had sexual intercourse (click here to read their article published in 2014). That’s a huge number.

If you have kept yourself sexually pure, I applaud you because of the strength of your convictions. However, if you’re like millions of young people who have lost their virginity, not realizing it was a treasure worth saving for marriage—you get the chance to start over.

The biggest miracle is the forgiveness of God. When we ask Jesus to forgive us, we can know we are pure—no matter what—because He cleanses us from our sins. He washes us clean and we can learn to live in His purity.

  • If you are carrying guilt over a past relationship, repent for what happened and know you have been forgiven (Romans 10:9).
  • Ask God to cleanse you from any soul ties or unhealthy emotional bonds in your life.
  • Realize Christ passionately loves you and will always pursue you.
  • Live in a covenant relationship with Christ—and expect one day to have a covenant marriage with God at the center.

4. Practice Patience

The Bible is clear about the importance of waiting for marriage, but you may be surprised to learn it isn’t the only book that says so.

In The Case for Marriage, Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher write that sex in marriage is actually better than sex outside of it. You have more frequent sex and better sex when you’re married to your partner.

In other words, if you choose to wait right now, you’ll get the best kind of payout later.

As you protect this special gift God has given you, think about how you are making an incredible investment in your future.


For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Salomé’s book, Becoming the One. Click here to learn more.