What If All My Relationships End Painfully?
Photo by Dmitry Schemelev
Have you ever wondered why so many people wind up in bad marriages or abusive relationships?
Perhaps you’ve been there yourself, and now you look back at your decision to be with that person and wonder, “How in the WORLD did I ever think that was a good idea?” In hindsight you can see how bad the relationship actually was.
In my experience, when a person chooses to step into an unhealthy marriage or dating relationship, it is usually because they aren’t 100 percent aware of how much God loves them.
“Really? The love of God?”
Yes! Many of us have no idea how His amazing love will heal our past hurts and actually allow us to love our mates in a healthy way.
At the core of all wounds, internal anguish, self-hatred and rejection, even things like a lack of wisdom and common sense—there’s often a wound in the heart, a place that is waiting to discover the love of God.
Many people think they know about God’s love, but they haven’t really experienced it. I’ve met several Christians who’ve been walking with God for years, but they don’t understand personally how much He loves them.
No matter how mature we are in our faith, this can always be our prayer:
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Eph. 3:17–19 NIV)
At Becoming the One, our greatest prayer for you is that you’ll discover God’s love for YOU, His healing for YOU, and the incredible identity that can be found only in His heart.
How can a person undo the past and start to get healthy?
Before I met my husband, I needed some work. There were places inside me that needed to be stronger, and they gained that strength as my relationship with Jesus grew. I began to realize the importance of my relationship with Him, and I learned how much He adores me. For me to find healing, I needed to know how much I was loved and how much I loved God in return.
Then, once I really understood the foundation of God’s love for me, I could begin looking outward. I started considering the qualities I desired in a partner—someone healthy, someone who wanted children, someone who would be a great father, etc. Eventually I met Leon, fell in love, and made a commitment to him.
To this day, I am so very thankful for the man God brought into my life—but the man himself wasn’t the answer for me.
What my heart needed first was the love of God, and only then could it step out in confidence to love another person well.
For me to get healthy and become the one for Leon, I essentially needed three things:
I needed to realize the importance of my relationship with Jesus.
I needed to understand how much I’m loved and that God adores me.
I needed to understand how much I love God in return.
None of those things can be forced or controlled. Each is a spiritual matter, the result of listening to the Holy Spirit’s leading. You aren’t going deeper in a religion—you are simply getting to know Someone much, much better.
You can take steps to set yourself up for this kind of life change. Here are a few things to consider:
Ask God to meet with you.
Set aside a regular time to meet with Him. Get in the habit of having a regular quiet time.
Practice hearing God’s voice.
Read His Word.
Pray constantly and about everything (Phil. 4:6).
Ask the Lord to show you what He wants to heal inside you.
Make yourself available to the love of God.
Ask a mentor or friend to pray for you and help you see any walls you’ve put up against God’s love.
Get in a community where His love is modeled.
You can start becoming the one for your future spouse right now as you seek to know the love of God.
My friend Brittany understands what becoming the one is really about. It’s more than just meeting the right person.
“Becoming the one isn’t only about finding your spouse,” she says. “Really, it’s about finding yourself and discovering who you are in Christ. Once you establish this, you are on the road to having a successful marriage.”
A successful marriage looks like a deep, abiding relationship with Jesus. This relationship allows you to figure out the important things: who you actually are, what you want in a spouse, how you want to go about changing the world, etc.
Knowing the love of God also allows you to wait for the right person in peace—because you’ve lost your fear.
If you’ve been waiting a long time, if relationship after relationship has fallen apart for you, if things haven’t worked out, if you’ve been disappointed and hurt—don’t see these things the way the enemy wants you to see them.
You don’t have to listen to any voice that says, “Well, you’ll probably be single forever. No one wants you. Every relationship you’ll have will fail.” Any voice that causes you to feel afraid is highly questionable.
When you entrench yourself in the love God has for you, fear can have no place in your heart (1 John 4:18). When you make God your focus, you have the privilege of seeing the world around you according to truth—how He sees it. Your heart will be protected and held safe in His hands, and He’s the One who will open doors for you. You don’t have to shove them open yourself, in fear and haste, and perhaps find yourself in a relationship you regret.
Get to know God’s love—and experience life the way He meant it to be lived.
Interested in reading more about dating, relationships, and your walk with God? Here are a few articles on related topics:
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more. The book is also available in Spanish.