What’s a Guy to Do? Dating with Purpose: Part 2
Will met Sharon a few months ago at school, and he thinks she’s beautiful, talented, and fun to hang out with. He knows he likes her—but what should he do about it? How can he tell if she likes him back? Is there a way to get to know her better without scaring her off and potentially humiliating himself?
What do YOU do when you’re attracted to someone and want to see where it will lead? When you’ve met a girl who intrigues you and you’re interested in taking the next step—or any step at all, here are a few things to consider.
Start with Friendship
The Christian community is filled with pressure to find “the one,” jump into a relationship, get married, and have babies. But God knows your heart, so you don’t have to rush this process. Start off by strengthening your friendship with this girl, and don’t worry about the rest.
You don’t even need to tell her you’re attracted to her. In my experience, most people know what they are feeling and can tell when someone is attracted to them, especially when the feeling is mutual. So I would suggest that in the beginning stages, you stick to generalizations like these: “I want to get to know you better” or “You seem like an amazing person,” etc. Most women will pick up on what you’re saying between the lines.
Many, many people skip the first step of starting off as friends and end up heartbroken, asking, “How did this happen?” They jumped right into dating before they really knew the other person. As fun and romantic as it can seem to “leap without looking,” it is better to pursue friendship first. Starting with friendship allows you to get to know each other at different levels, which builds a strong foundation for a deeper relationship later on.
Get to Know Her in a Group Setting
Start off at a walk, not a run. Ask her to do fun things with you in group settings, so neither of you feels any pressure.
It can be hard to “go slow” in a generation where so many things are instant. However, you can let a great relationship happen naturally as you do fun things with the woman you like. “Friendship dating” lets you relax. It is a joyful, fun experience in which you are becoming better friends with someone, and there is absolutely no need to feel anxious about the next step.
If you have an urge to rush things, examine your heart. Ask yourself why you feel so much pressure to jump in headfirst. It is true that at the infatuation stage, waiting can feel agonizing, but trust that God has a plan for you. Tune your ears to Him, because this will really help you determine if the relationship is His will for you. Throughout this entire process, pray about your interest in this girl, and ask God to guide your steps.
What Should You Talk About with Her?
When you’re just getting to know this girl, avoid conversation about past relationships or controversial topics. Even excessive work talk can make hanging out with her feel more like an interview than a love connection. Talk about hobbies, interests, travel, and music. Smile, laugh, and have fun. Share enough about yourself that this girl can start to get a picture of who you really are.
Sharing should be mutual and reciprocal, not a one-way conversation. Be yourself. Ask questions. Listen as she speaks. Especially if you are more reserved or on the quiet side, make an effort to communicate your thoughts.
Remember, you are spending time with her so the two of you can get to know each other and establish a deeper friendship.
Eventually you will need to tell her your intentions. Danny Silk calls this “defining the relationship.” This is a key step that will help the two of you know what the other is thinking and where they’re hoping the friendship will go.
Though in different ways, men go through the same things women do: doubts, insecurities, what ifs, etc. If you know this person well and you sense God is leading you to tell her how you feel about her, be brave and talk to her.
You can do this in a number of different ways. You can be forthright with her and ask point-blank questions: “Do you think you could see me as a potential boyfriend or someone you’d like to pursue a romantic relationship with? Would you consider praying about it and give me a chance to get to know you more in this way?”
You could also say something like, “I’ve been feeling this way for a while and have been praying about it. I would like to know what you think.”
Telling a woman how you feel about her is where a boy becomes a man.
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Salomé’s book, Becoming the One. Click here to learn more.