Dating from a Guy’s Perspective: An Interview with Judd
In the following interview, Trinity (41) talks about the unique way she met her husband, Kerry (44). When she was about twenty years old, God told her she would get married one day. She waited another twenty years before she met the right man, but God faithfully kept His promise. He’ll keep His promise to you too!
BTO: How did you and Melissa meet?
Judd: I met Melissa at a dinner party at my house. I lived with several housemates, and we invited her house over for a big dinner.
BTO: You were single for a while. What does a single man worry about when it comes to meeting the right woman?
Judd: Oh man, great question! Where do I start? I can only speak for myself: I was worried about marrying the “right” woman. I was worried about coming across like a “player” in my community. As an assertive and outgoing man, I asked women out often during certain seasons of my life, and I didn’t want to be a player. I was worried about my thinning hair and more about my hairy body because I am super hairy. (Like seriously. Lol.) I also had some worries about my vocation. Was she going to be turned off because I’m a hearing aid specialist?
Okay, now to some even more nitty-gritty things: I worried about being too assertive when asking a girl out on a date. I worried about asking out someone I was already friends with and we had mutual friends. “What is this going to do to my friendships if things don’t work out well between us?” Or even “What is going to happen to our friendship by me asking her out on a date? What is she saying to the other girls at church about me?” These weren’t bad things to be worried about because they meant I cared, and fortunately things went well for me. I had a good reputation amongst my lady friends of someone treating women with honor, and for that I am very thankful and wish that on every single man.
I also worried that I was too sensitive or too callous at times. Every woman is completely unique and has even more unique tastes in a man, right? So, as the natural people pleaser that I am, there were times I veered off course and would analyze the lady on my mind and think about what she would be interested in and try to cater to that. Not that I wasn’t being honest, but perhaps I was trying to be more of something that I thought would be more attractive.
I thought about “Am I being giving to her? Am I being unselfish? Am I being Christlike towards her? Am I respecting her and being honoring towards her? Am I acting around her and towards her at the level of our relationship?” Those are all very important questions that I still ask myself now that I’m married.
BTO: What was important for you to remember during the dating process as you were first getting to know Melissa?
Judd: There was a period of dating when we were not committed to each other and we were still dating others. For—I think—three months’ time, I would take Melissa out on friend-dates and also take other girls on dates. I told Melissa that I wanted to pursue her in a dating relationship, and she was interested in getting to know me more but wasn’t ready to date seriously. So for about three months, I had to remember to allow myself to still pursue other women and to let go of Melissa. I celebrated our friendship by being kind to her and doing a few one-on-one outings and group things. I didn’t want to “wait for her” and hold myself to this strict policy of not being open to someone else. As she had the freedom to be with other guys, so I had the freedom to be with other women.
When we were exclusive with each other, I needed to remember that it was okay to have her meet my family pretty early on. My parents, my brother’s family, and Melissa and I all went to the same church, so they most likely would run into each other. My thought was, I love my family and I think they would love Melissa, so let’s have everyone over for lunch on a Sunday afternoon. This was only one week after we started dating exclusively. Just because Hollywood makes it a big deal to “meet the parents” doesn’t mean it has to be a big deal. She fit right in, and it brought so much peace to me that my family felt comfortable with her.
The next thing was the physical boundaries between Melissa and me. When were we going to start holding hands and kissing, right? I think we started holding hands after one week. I asked her if I could hold her hand while driving. As far as kissing, that came about a month later. We had a boundary of me not touching her breasts and her not being in my lap.
BTO: What would you tell a single man or woman who’s starting to lose hope in the area of marriage?
Judd: Read my book, Ask Her Out!
I would also say to learn to love yourself with God’s love towards you no matter what stage in life you are in. To build friendships, to be known, to not have ANY secrets, to push yourself to do things that stretch your comfort zone. To volunteer and be in the groups and things you are interested in, so you have a higher chance of meeting someone in those circles. To enjoy life.
For the men, start asking ladies out and also be a good friend to them. To the women, be friendly and smile at guys. The whole “ignoring a guy because you like him” thing doesn’t work because it’s not being a friend or being friendly. Be open to a guy even if you are not attracted to his face or body or what he does for work or if he isn’t cool enough. I’m not saying to settle—I’m just saying, give him a chance. My wife gave me a chance and she wasn’t attracted to my face at first. It took her a while to become attracted to me. And I didn’t feel like she was a perfect “10” either, and I was good with that because there was so much about her that I did find very attractive, both internally and externally. Continue believing that God is good in everything. Okay, I could write a book about this question...
BTO: What has been your greatest joy in marriage?
Judd: THE AMAZING SEX! Duh! Just kidding. Sex has and continues to be out of this world; however, the biggest joy in marriage is being a man for Melissa and serving her, giving to her, encouraging her, cherishing, laughing, being patient, kind, gentle, playful, praying with and for her, listening to her and seeing her glow while we do things together, cooking, cleaning, trips, budgeting, watching movies, going on walks, eating together, crying together, saying I’m sorry for hurting her, sharing with her that I was hurt by what she said, worshiping together, sharing dreams and hopes and fears, making declarations over each other, honoring each other’s parents and siblings, and trying new recipes and new adventures and placing God first and not turning to Melissa to be perfect for me and not putting pressure on myself to be perfect for her, apologizing quickly and having short conflict with each other.
Judd has become a close friend of BTO and one of our leaders. We’re greatly blessed by his heart for healthy relationships, his love for God, and his passion for his wife. He’s the author of Ask Her Out: Pursuing Freedom, Manhood, and Women. Check it out on Amazon.
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