Should I Include My Parents in My Relationship?
Photo by Jonathan J. Castellon
The story of my parents’ marriage is one of the biggest reasons I wrote a book on relationships and how to “become the one” for your future spouse.
It isn’t easy for my mom to share about some of the painful things that occurred in her marriage, but she knows her story might be able to help other people who are trying to make marriage decisions and follow God’s leading.
My parents are still together, and my mom’s deep love for God has helped her persevere and take care of my dad, who has some health problems. She treats him with such love and compassion. Truly, it’s a picture of God’s real love on earth. I’m so thankful for the parents I have and that they gave Leon and me their blessing.
They didn’t have such a blessing when they decided to marry. When my father proposed to my mother, her parents actually begged her not to marry him.
They could tell it wasn’t a good match and wanted to spare their innocent, dream-filled daughter from a marriage that might cause her pain.
But my mother decided not to listen to their concerns. Convinced this was the man for her, she married my father anyway, just two and a half short months after meeting him.
Unfortunately, neither of them was prepared for the storm that followed.
For years my parents lived in turmoil. They even divorced at one point but chose to remarry and try to make it work for the sake of their kids.
As you can imagine, growing up in a tense, stressful environment wasn’t easy. I felt powerless as my parents fought, and as a blended family, my brother and I dealt with rivalries and jealousy. It was not a peaceful situation, but it began to improve when my mother and I met Jesus.
Years later she shared with me, “There is nothing worse in life than going against the loving will of your parents.”
How important is it to include your parents in your dating relationship?
Right away, this subject might be hard for certain readers.
Not all parents know how to give good advice. Some parents are so broken themselves that they don’t have a lot of wisdom to share with their children. Or perhaps they don’t have a deep relationship with God, so they have no idea how to hear His voice on behalf of their children.
If you’re from a dysfunctional family, the idea of asking your parents to be a part of your relationship might seem a little “unnatural.” But consider these two thoughts:
The Lord loves to heal people, and He might want to use your dating relationship to bring healing to your family. He does such things, and He moves in awesome ways. Listen to His wisdom and be open to His leading. If you’re uncertain, seek others’ counsel.
Don’t allow fear to keep you locked up in any area of your life. There is long-term blessing in family reconnection.
What does it mean to “honor” your parents with your dating relationship?
You’re probably familiar with what the Bible says about honoring parents:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” (Eph. 6:1–3 NIV)
In our context, this verse has so much to say about dating!
We can honor our parents in many ways, but this way—by including them in our dating and marriage decisions—is a big one that’s dear to God’s heart. It’s actually a way we bring Him honor, which means it’s an act of worship.
Worshiping God with your dating relationship? Yes. Such a thing is beautifully possible.
What does it actually LOOK LIKE to honor your parents with your dating relationship? Practically speaking, how can a person do this?
Here are a few ideas:
Ask your parents to pray for your future spouse and that God would give you wisdom in all your relationships.
Listen when they express a concern about the person you’re dating (even if you prayerfully choose to move forward in the relationship anyway).
Pray with your parents. Hear their hearts.
Learn from them, their mistakes, and their failures. Ask them questions without judging them.
Provide a safe place where they can openly talk about their mistakes.
If you realize something in your heart needs healing, go seek healing in that area. Don’t be afraid to let God come close to you and show you His love and affection.
Sometimes parents can see a situation more clearly than we can.
Kris Vallotton puts it like this:
They say love is blind but the truth is that love is STUPID blind! Therefore, it’s imperative that you have wise people around you that you give a place to speak into your romantic relationships. Think about it; if you’re about to make the most important decision in your life, not listening to wise people is stupid blind and dangerous.
At a crucial time in my relationship with Leon, I began to struggle with doubt. He lived so far away from me, and I knew marrying him would eventually mean moving to the United States and leaving my family behind.
I took my doubts to my small group leaders, who comforted me, gave me guidance, and prayed for me. The doubts began to lift as I realized God was confirming my decision to be with Leon.
All of us are in need of wise counsel, and our parents—or people who have become parents in our lives—can be a source of excellent counsel and confirmation.
I know many people whose parents communicated to them, “You know, we feel cautious about this person. We think this person isn’t a good match for you.”
But I also know people who experienced the opposite. “YES! This is it! We feel like God has said yes, and we are so happy this time has finally arrived for you.”
Including your parents in your dating decisions and eventual marriage can be an incredible blessing in your life. Don’t be afraid to seek them out and invite them to have a place of honor in your life. Pray about their counsel, and see how God leads your heart.
Interested in reading more about dating, relationships, and your walk with God? Here are a few articles on related topics:
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more.
You can also order the book in Spanish.