How to Deal with Overbearing Parents When You’re Dating
Photo by Nathan Dumlao
Every time my kiddos open their hearts to me and start talking about their hopes and dreams for marriage, it’s a big deal. Leon and I have been praying for their future spouses since before our kids were born.
As I’m from another country, I have the privilege of observing the culture around me with a unique perspective. I’ve noticed many singles in the U.S. don’t make the effort to get their parents involved in their dating relationships. It’s almost like the young person’s sense of independence doesn’t allow them to go to the parents and ask for their opinion.
It’s always a good idea—a healthy act—to honor your parents by getting them involved in your relationship.
But this isn’t always easy. What if your parents are overbearing and controlling? Or what if your partner’s parents are acting that way? What can you do?
Here are a few things to keep in mind.
When parents are overbearing, it’s often a sign of fear in their hearts.
I love my children a great deal. That line between letting them be adults on their own and wanting to protect them with a baseball bat gets blurry sometimes!
Many well-meaning parents have trouble recognizing the maturity of their children. They’re convinced it’s up to them to protect their kids, even though those kids are now adults and fully capable of making decisions on their own. It’s no longer the parents’ job to guard them and help manage their choices for them as if they were still grade-schoolers or young teenagers.
Of course, no matter the ages involved, parents can always be there for their children to provide love and counsel at any time. But in cases involving overbearing or overprotective parents, it is likely the parents are dealing with trust issues.
Fear doesn’t allow people to think rationally, from a place of growth. A parent who is afraid can quickly rush to conclusions that aren’t based in reality.
If you recognize your parents are dealing with fear, here are two things you can do:
First, pray they will be able to let go of their fear. Find verses in Scripture that talk about fearlessness, courage, and trusting in the Lord, and pray these verses over your parents. Humbly ask God to help them put their trust in Him.
Second, if your parents are believers in Jesus, take time to pray with them. “Hey, Mom and Dad—let’s pray about my future. I want to make a wise decision and hear God’s voice. My goal is to depend on Him in all things, including my dating relationship and future marriage, and I’d love to pray with you about this.”
Let your parents see how you’re depending on God for this decision and that you’re listening to His voice.
If your folks don’t know Jesus, you can still pray for them and speak the truth of God over them. To the best of your ability, determine in your heart to show them the honor they deserve even when they’re acting in fear.
What if the problem isn’t YOUR parents? What if it’s your partner’s parents?
Dating, getting to know someone, falling in love, and realizing this person is your future spouse—this is a special and even sacred time that will change the rest of your life for the better.
But change isn’t always easy for the families involved.
Think about it from their perspective. You’re essentially asking your partner’s family to open their hearts to you and trust you with one of the most important “possessions” they have—their precious child. This shift in heart may take a little bit of time. Avoid forcing the process. Instead, allow them the space to get to know you.
Sometimes when parents are overbearing, it’s a sign of wanting to know you more and make you part of the family. Being overbearing is not the intention; they just want to be involved.
At other times, however, parents are overbearing and restrictive because they may not approve of their child’s choice. Parents sometimes feel like the child’s partner isn’t good enough for the child, and this belief obviously influences their behavior toward the child’s relationship.
If your partner’s parents are overbearing, pray about the situation and ask the Holy Spirit to show you what’s going on.
As a mature, healthy adult with your heart open to the Lord’s leading, you’ll likely be able to sense the reason the parents are acting a certain way.
If your partner’s parents are withholding their approval of the relationship for some reason, you and your partner will need to set good, loving boundaries with them.
Pray for them, bless them, and don’t allow any bitterness to grow in your heart. When you know what God has said about your relationship and how He’s leading you, then you and your partner can act from a place of peace, not fear.
Instead of responding defensively, you can try to understand the parents’ concerns, work on your communication with them, and let them see your maturity.
Never let go of your trust in God.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take. (Prov. 3:5–6 NLT)
Issues with parents are difficult, but when you choose to trust in the Lord and listen to His leading, you’re much better prepared for marriage than you would be if you trusted only in human understanding and perspective.
God WILL be faithful in this area of your life! He will show you the path you and your partner should take. Don’t be afraid to believe what you know He’s told you. Write it down, and anytime things get rough—remember.
Interested in reading more about dating, relationships, and your walk with God? Here are a few articles on related topics:
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more.
You can also order the book in Spanish.