Should Women Date Men They Don’t Find Attractive?
Photo by Amy Humphries
Have you ever looked at a couple and wondered, “How in the world did she end up with that guy? She’s gorgeous and he just…isn’t.”
God built within each of us an indicator called attraction that helps us identify the possibility of a long-term relationship.
Is attraction the most important factor when we’re choosing a spouse? No, but it definitely helps us pick out potential suitors.
The key is to figure out what “attractive” means to you.
What is attractive to one woman is not always attractive to another. Each of us is different, with a unique personality and distinct tastes.
Your personal preference may not look like anyone else’s, and that’s okay. You were handcrafted by your Father in Heaven; He spent time with you, so it makes sense that your likes and dislikes are uniquely yours.
When I met Leon at a conference in my home country of Ecuador, I thought he was handsome, but he wasn’t my first choice physically speaking. Though most of my friends thought he was super attractive, he wasn’t what I thought I wanted. He was tall, blond, thin, and strong. He was even in a TV commercial because he’s handsome—especially by Ecuadorian standards.
But I was not attracted to him because of his physical traits.
We talked on the phone and wrote each other letters for months before he flew back to Ecuador to visit me. That first week as we spent time with each other, I thought of all the things I disliked about him more than I considered what I really did like.
But then something changed. As I prayed about our relationship, my heart radically shifted, and God gave me a deep, abiding love for Leon that has grown with time.
I realized I really was attracted to him because I saw him worship God with a sincere and passionate heart that didn’t lessen as I got to know him. I was able to see clearly the kind of person he is—and I fell in love.
We can’t put all our hopes and expectations on a man’s physical appearance. Why not? Because it isn’t realistic.
Eventually physical beauty fades. We get old—we grow wrinkled, shorter, bigger, thinner, grayer as our bodies change.
But as we age, we also mature spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually. We may lose physical beauty, but we gain beauty that endures forever—something that lasts into eternity. We become more and more lovely as we grow in Christ.
Spiritual beauty is a commodity that lasts.
With my husband, God knew my heart and what I desired. I’d been praying for a man who loved the Lord and chased after Him with all his heart, and that is what I got. In His great love for me, God brought exactly what I needed and so much more.
For me, true attraction wasn’t based on Leon’s looks. Some women are wired that way. It doesn’t matter how handsome or un-handsome everyone else thinks the man is—true attraction for us occurs at a deep, internal level.
I saw Leon’s heart for God, and that was what grabbed me and held on.
Though physical attraction is important, so are other forms of attraction. Emotional and spiritual attraction last longer and endure more faithfully.
I’ve met couples who aren’t necessarily a “match” when it comes to physical beauty. One of them is noticeably prettier than the other, and in the beginning, the prettier person wasn’t all that attracted to the other person.
But they were attracted emotionally and spiritually. They felt a deep, internal connection with this other person and grew in love for them. They got married, and their marriages are solid and blessed.
There is a natural attraction that has to happen with a potential mate, but even more important is the internal connection you feel as you’re getting to know someone.
Are you in a relationship right now, and you’re concerned because this man doesn’t look the way you always thought your future husband would look? Here are a few steps that will help bring peace to your heart:
Are you listening for the voice of God’s Spirit to confirm your relationship? Listen to Him because He knows what He’s doing with you.
Determine your priorities: Do you think physical attraction is the most important aspect of your relationship? What other character traits and spiritual traits do you see in this man? Or what do you want to see in your future husband?
Do you have peace about continuing to get to know this man, even if his looks aren’t exactly what you were hoping for?
Ask someone to pray for you, and look for godly counsel.
Ask God to change your heart and eyes so you can see this man the way He wants you to see him. God will make His will clear to you.
Trust God. You don’t have to date someone when you know in your heart it’s never going to go anywhere. That’s why the friendship phase is so important. When you see someone as a friend first, you are not blinded by other factors.
Determine the nonnegotiable qualities you’re looking for. If you’re a strong believer, your heart won’t be fully happy with someone who doesn’t know Jesus—even if he’s the cutest guy you’ve ever seen. So get to know this man and figure out where he is in his spiritual journey.
Don’t settle for less than God’s will for you.
May you have so much trust in the God of the universe, your Creator and Savior, that you realize He is the greatest and most loving matchmaker of all. He certainly has good plans for you as you keep on becoming the one.
Interested in reading more? Here are a few other articles on related topics:
For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more.
You can also order the book in Spanish. Click here.