When Sex Doesn’t Always Tell the Truth

Photo by Aditya Saxena

Photo by Aditya Saxena

A few weeks ago, a woman I will call Maria told me about a dramatic shift in her sex life. 

After her divorce, she waited several years before trying to date again. Eventually she began going out with a man who offered her what her heart desperately wanted: security and care, even if it was just the illusion of those things. He made her feel cherished and, in exchange, she began sleeping with him. 

But then one day she picked up a copy of my book, and as she started reading it, something special happened—she felt like God spoke to her again. 

She knew that having sex with this man outside of marriage wasn’t God’s will for her. After one of her deepest encounters with the love of God, she shared her heart with me.

“I want to be truly loved and accepted,” she said. “I finally felt that God is the only One who can provide that for me.” 

What Maria Needed

As Maria said, her struggle to feel intimate with someone occurred because she didn’t understand how much her heavenly Father already treasured her.

The process of healing began for her as she accepted the unconditional love of God, set healthy boundaries, and asked for help from trusted friends who could pray for her and ask tough questions with kindness and love.

Help with Your Sex Drive

If you find yourself in a similar situation that is causing you pain, here are a few steps that may help you. 

1. Go Talk to God 

Reach for your heavenly Father. Don’t assume He has better things to do than spend time with you or that He would prefer to talk with someone else. 

He understands what you’re going through, which means that you aren’t alone. He isn’t waiting for you to clean up your act before you come to Him—He is ready to meet with you right now, exactly as you are and exactly where you are in relationship with Him, even if it’s been a while.  

2. Break Old Patterns 

Share what you’re feeling with trusted friends who can pray and encourage you, so you don’t fall back into the same old patterns that have been causing you pain and torment. 

Breaking free of patterns is a deep issue, but in this matter of relationships, self-destructive sexual patterns almost always spring out of a failure on our part to recognize how much God already loves and accepts us. 

The truth is, we are loved and we are accepted because when we come to God, He sees Jesus in us, which makes us completely pure in His sight. We are pure just as Jesus is pure, and we are lovable just as Jesus is lovable. Ephesians 4:24 says it like this: “Put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

If we have given our lives to Jesus, God the Father wouldn’t deny us any more than He would deny Jesus. So we can put the fear of rejection aside.

3. Focus on Something Else to Clear Your Head

In Scripture, the Song of Songs talks about not “arousing” or awakening love before its proper time. The way I read this verse, it applies so well to singles who are struggling to keep a firm hold on their sex drive. 

Use wisdom, and avoid putting yourself in situations that prod or stir up your passion outside of marriage. 

If you’re feeling sexually aroused, try shifting your focus by starting a new project or joining a workout class, a book group, a cooking class, etc. Ask God to replace any anxiety within you with His love. 

One sure way to lower the emotional intensity you may be feeling is to think about how much you honor the other person and care about their well-being. Consider it a worthy endeavor to save that person’s purity for marriage. 

What It Means to Wait

Remember, what you are feeling is normal and shouldn’t be something you feel ashamed about. It’s okay that you get turned on, and it’s okay that your sex drive sometimes makes you want to climb the walls. Your sex drive is a gift from God to be enjoyed in the fullness of covenant. That’s how He created it to work.

By choosing to wait, you are doing what my friend Maria chose to do. You are putting God first and looking to find your wholeness in Him, not in another person.


For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more.

You can also order the book in Spanish. Click here.

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